I came acroos Ala Paredes' blog a while ago. I just would like to post here one of her entries. Mhan, she really writes good, I tell you. Nakakaaliw basahin yung entries niya. Read for yourself: http://www.ala-ism.pansitan.net

What have you learned about love?

Isn't it funny how as we grow older, all our romantic notions are slowly shattered one by one? It used to be about the sparks, and the fireworks, and how big and overwhelming the feeling of love was. Feeling- that was the keyword then. If the feeling was intense, then it was surely love. Living in this way was like constantly swinging from bliss to misery. One minute we we're in heaven just looking into each other's eyes, the next we'd be having a big, dramatic fight that was more useless than anything else (only to make up in an equally dramatic way the next day). Also, we only wanted to be alone with each other all the time, and basically shut out the rest of the world. Ah, but we we're in love, and we thought it was the most important thing in the world because it made our lives filled with beautiful moments.

But we were so young. Trust me, Romeo and Juliet would have eventually broken up had they lived, or they would have had the most miserable existence together (they must've already been quite miserable to begin with).

Everybody falls in love, but as I grew older, I decided I would try walking into love, with my eyes wide open. Meaning, yes, I'll enjoy the lights show at the opening but at the same time know that when it ends is when I'll really be able to see clearly. It also meant abandoning the old formula I used to go by which was:

more thrills/ intensity= better relationship

Thank God I am out of that trap. Some people never seem to get out of it even when they're old.


My second lesson came when I was older as well. When I was younger, relationships could be assessed in black and white. Right and wrong were two distinct things that could be split cleanly right down the middle. I had a list of relationship wrongs. I would refuse to stay in a relationship if the guy was being clingy, possesive, jealous, abusive, if he had alot of emotional baggage, if he restricted my freedom, if he didn't give as much as I did, and if he "didn't understand me". And so, growing up, I had a series of short relationships where I instantly wanted out as soon the guy started giving me problems.


Now, it's not so easy anymore. After you've been in a relationship for awhile, at some point in time, you and your partner would have committed every crime I listed above, and more.
Problems become more difficult to resolve because it's not anymore a matter of who is wrong and who is right. It's a matter of what you want, what you're willing to accept, and what you're willing to sacrifice. And you know what? It's not always equal, and if it is, then it's a temporary state. It's not always give and take, often it's give and give. You end up swallowing so much of the stuff you swore you never would. You'll break your own rules.
Can't live with his bad habits? Well, it's either you break up or you learn to live with them. Swore you'd never ever stay with a man who is jealous of your past? Well, you can end it if you want. But wait, you can't just do that anymore can you? It's not so easy.
Can't deal with his sh*t? Everybody's got their own sh*t. It's a matter of what sh*t you're willing to live with, and what sh*t you're not.

It's tricky, and it can work either for you or against you. Pero ganyan talaga. Falling in love is easy. Loving is not.

My 3rd lesson is about hate.

When you learn about love, you learn about hurt. And when you're hurting, you form a scab of hate, just to stop the bleeding.

And so, you begin to cut a person out of your life, kill all feelings you have for him. You train yourself to consider him insignificant. Sometimes you do it so well that you actually fool yourself into thinking that you've succeeded. But in you're direst moments, you know you're lying to yourself. Because when you've truly loved a person for who he is, how can you one day say that you don't love him anymore? Hate can only come when you're hurting really, really, really bad.
As I grew older, I accepted that despite the heartbreaks some people have dealt me, I cannot erase their tracks on my life. And I cannot hate them. Once you have glimpsed a person as the beautiful soul he/she is, then you'll never stop seeing them that way. And so, I love the beautiful souls whom I entrusted my heart to at one point, but it is now a love that asks for absolutely nothing in return, save that they find happiness in life and in love.

Some things, like heartbreak, only make sense years later.

The other day, I was telling my friend Mel some of the wisest lessons I had ever been taught about love. Alot of them are from my dad. He never fails to put things into perspective when I'm bitching to him about relationships. He never fails to shatter all my little illusions. Call it cold and heartless, but I truly believe he's saved me from alot of potential unhappiness.


Here are some favorite quotes:
"Never trust words of love whispered at a beach, or under the moon, or any romantic and beautiful place. Pero kapag na-flattan ang kotse mo sa gitna ng daan, at mainit na mainit ang araw, at masakit na ulo niya, nagkakapiconan na kayo, at sinabi niyang mahal ka niya, doon ka maniwala!" (When my sister was telling him about how she had fallen in love at a beach.)
"Love is messy. Ganyan talaga." (After my umpteenth fight with my then boyfriend whom I was thinking of breaking up with.)

"Don't look for a soulmate. Whoever you choose, you make him your soulmate."

"In the beginning it's about finding the right person, in the end it's about being the right person. Marriage is about accommodating the other person".


"Marriage is like signing a blank cheque. No matter how much you think you know the person you're marrying, the truth is, you just don't."

And of course, he always tells me: "The death of romantic love is the beginning of true love." (wasn't that a Scott Peck article?)

I also love what my mom taught me:
"Get married while you still feel like it! Don't wait too long! Deal with the consequences later, when it's too late and you can't get out of it anymore." (About her disapproval of long engagements. She said this with tongue in cheek, but it seems that long engagements really do seem to be unlucky.)

What have you learned about love?

Ang galing talaga. Haha. Beauty and brains. Huwaw. Haha.